Lamar reviews - Kidnap

August 4, 2017
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I had a choice between Kidnap and The Dark Tower.  I was not familiar with The Dark Tower.  When I discovered it was based on Stephen King’s eight book series and the movie was only 95 minutes long I was pretty sure it was going to be pretty hard to follow.  Plus every time I see Matthew McConaughey all I can think about is riding in a Lincoln, talking low and slow, and drinking Wild Turkey.  With Kidnap you get Halle Berry, she’s awesome so how bad could it be?  Pretty bad.  It’s slightly less exciting than one of McConaughey’s Lincoln commercials.  Especially the one with the bull in the middle of the road.

Halle Berry plays Karla a waitress who is going through a custody battle with her ex.  One day at a park she looks away for just a minute and he’s gone.  This is where it starts going off he rails.  The kidnappers are not what you would call professionals with perfect planning and slick, well timed moves.  They are two hillbillies that look like extras on a swamp family reality show.  They jump into an old broken down Mustang and take off.  Karla gives chase and of course not only is her cell phone battery dead but she also drops it while chasing the car out of the parking lot.  Miraculously the chase brings her right to her minivan where she begins to chase the car across Louisiana.  The movie is 82 minutes and we spend 60 of it in the minivan.  The “exciting” chase consists mostly of close ups of Halle Berry’s face as she constantly repeats “Frankie, I’m coming”.  This may be the slowest, most tedious chases in history.  I totally understand she lacks the skills of Liam Neeson’s Brian Mills but risking a huge wreck so she can find pencil and paper to write down the color of the car seems ridiculous.  It’s a green body with a green top.  Along the way she and the kidnappers stop, have conversation and start again.  At no point does it dawn on her to wreck the kidnapper’s car.  And when they threaten harm to her son if she doesn’t stop following them all she does is drop back 30 or 40 feet.  Evidently they have no rear view mirror.

The movie Taken is now the standard for kidnapping movies.  In this type of movie once the action starts it has to continue with small breaks to allow the audience to catch their breath after the parent has snapped somebodies neck and before they hammer nails into a kneecap to get some information that will save their child.  This lollygagging down the road like you’re driving through the mountains to see the leaves changing just don’t get it.  These people got your baby!  You should be chewing somebody’s jugular vein and snapping fingers.  Eventually Karla has to go “mama bear” on these people but by the time that happens we’ve lost interest in the whole thing.

It’s a very long 82 minutes, Rated R, for ridiculous, certainly not for violence.

Halle Berry is an Oscar winning actress that deserves a better movie than this but she can read so she knew what she was getting into.  And now you do too.

My Score: 2 Budweisers, it is Halle Berry.    

Kidnap trailer....

Lamar reviews - Kidnap

Halle Berry is hitting the road to save her son.....