Lamar reviews - The Mummy

June 9, 2017
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Sadly we did not appreciate Brendan Fraser when we had the chance.  Turns out his Mummy movie was way better than we thought!

This thing starts off like gangbusters for the first 30 or 40 minutes. Tom Cruise plays Nick Morton, a smooth talking thief that is using his job as a U.S. military protector of precious antiquities in Iraq to steal treasures and sell them on the black market.  He and his partner Chris, played by Jake Johnson are in the middle of a huge discovery when archeologist Jenny, played by Annabelle Wallis, shows up.  Turns out Nick found an Egyptian burial site using a map he stole from Jenny.  The person buried here is an Egyptian Princess named Ahmanet who is played by Sofia Boutella.  It seems she made a deal with the god of death and murdered her entire family to get her father’s throne.  When Nick accidently releases her he becomes her chosen one that she must kill with a magic dagger to fulfill her deal with the god of death.  This plot line is more confusing than John McCain’s testimony but it should be easy for Tom Cruise because it still more sense than Scientology. 

For the rest of the movie Ahmanet relentlessly pursues him with the sole purpose of destroying him.  Sorta like Leah Remini on the A&E Scientology show. Ahmanet is able to call dead people up like zombies to help her get Nick, gut him like a carp, and restore her power.  With a really cool looking plane crash that was filmed using a real falling plane, and London being terrorized by a sand storm and the walking dead this movie is looking pretty sweet, until.  Russell Crowe shows up as a London doctor that hunts down evil and his name is Dr. Jekyll.  I’m like “come on!” are you kidding me?  They capture Ahmanet and keep her contained for the next 30 or 40 minutes which brings the action to a screeching stop while they do an infomercial about what Universal Studios is planning. 

Universal Studios is tired of watching 20th Century Fox and Marvel Studios rake in billions of dollars on comic book characters.  So their big plan is to launch Dark Universe using the classic monsters that it owns the rights to. Javier Bardem is supposed to be Frankenstein, Johnny Depp is The Invisible Man, and in what could be the most ironic casting of a character ever, Angelina Jolie as Bride of Frankenstein. 

Rumor is, Jennifer Anniston has pre-bought her ticket, got the margarita combo, and is patiently waiting to yell things at the screen like “hey, who’s the guy with the flat top and bolts in his neck?  I’m here to see the monster!” And “don’t marry her Frank, it’s a trick.  And skip the tattoo, just ask Billy Bob”.  If The Mummy is their kickoff movie they have a long row to hoe!

The movie is 111 minutes, Rated PG-13 for violence, action and scary images, and some suggestive content.

You know me, I don’t miss a Tom Cruise movie.  In fact the trailer for his new movie American Made looks great.  He’s goofier than a 9 eyed goat but he makes a great movie, and although this movie sucks, it’s not his fault.  I’ve actually got a great idea to help Tom get where he needs to be.  He can hook up with Kirk Cameron and make a new Christian movie titled JesusAin’t Mad at Ya!  I’m sure it would do better at the box office than The Mummy, and it might get Tom back on the J-Team so he won’t wind up in the pit of Hell watching Vanilla Sky on a loop for all of eternity.

My Score: 2 Budweisers

Lamar reviews - The Mummy

The J-team if off the the theater.