Lamar reviews - Squatty Potty

April 12, 2018
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Squatty Potty

By now most everybody has probably heard of the Squatty Potty.  It’s a small stool that you put your feet on when sitting on the toilet to unkink your colon.  It is supposed to revolutionize the #2 thing you do in the bathroom.  Well I’m not sure that’s the case.  I’ve been going to the bathroom for as long as I can remember and I admit that I don’t have all that many talents, but this is one area I think I’ve got down pat. 

 

The flushing toilet was invented by John Harington in 1596.  Up until then people used a chamber pot or went out in the woods and squatted or grabbed a tree.  When the guy invented the sit down toilet it had to be one of the greatest things ever.  I can’t prove it but I’m pretty sure that’s why a lot of people learned to read, to pass the time. Through the years the toilet has gotten more comfortable and with the invention of the cell phone you have to admit we are living in the golden age of going. 

Now time spent in the bathroom is an unlimited educational opportunity with the internet.   No more reading the backs of aerosol deodorant cans and toothpaste ingredients.  Not only are we inside, seated, and comfortable we are caught up on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.  So now somebody comes along and tells us we’re doing a basic bodily function wrong!  We need to be squatting again.  Only this time instead of lowering our rear ends we are raising our feet.  It sounded good on Shark Tank but in reality I find it to be extremely awkward.    Once you sit down it’s very hard to raise your legs up to your ears so you can put your feet on the stool.  If you stand on the stool first and plan on dropping your pants and then sitting, it’s a long way down.  Speaking of pants, them being around your ankles makes it even harder.  When I go into the bathroom I’m there to do my business not audition for Circ de Soleil.  It’s like being in Yoga class but instead of downward dog on a mat I’m doing cat crapping in a box!  Hey!  I’m in the hall bathroom not hiking the Appalachian Trail!

 

Make no mistake somebody loves it.  Squatty Potty sold $19 million last year and is on track to do $30 million this year.  I can’t argue with success but I honestly think they’re filling a need that’s not there.  If you are having some difficulty in getting this business done on a regular basis let me help you.  Eat an apple.  Maybe a kale salad.  How about some beans and collards?  They make all kids of cereals.

 

All I’m saying is we have taken one of our least glamourous moments and made it even less dignified.  Over 400 years ago a guy invented something that took us out of the woods and let us have a seat.  I don’t want to go backwards.  If I’m changing anything about my bathroom experience it’ll be getting a Japanese toilet that sprays warm water and blow dries.  I’m sure some people love it.  But for me, Ain’t no Squatty for my Potty!

My Score: 1 Budweiser

Lamar reviews - The Squatty Potty

Assume the position!